


The Great Doodle of Diplomacy

by SelenaTerna



Series: The Disco-Stick of Destiny [4]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Human AU, Humour, Jack being Jack, Non-Explicit, Romance, Semi-Crack, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, i have absolutely no excuse for this, references to phallic representation, romantic holiday, silliness, supreme sillies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 15:07:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20027824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: Rose and the Doctor travel to Australia for a holiday....and so does Jack. Naturally, the results are of rather global proportions.





	The Great Doodle of Diplomacy

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, all! Guess who! It's been a very long time since I've written a random anything and I'm more than a little out of practice, I think. I've been very, very unwell for a long time and haven't had the facility to write anything, and now that I'm a bit better....I have no idea how I feel about it, hahaha. This odd little fic is based on this article https://www.gizmodo.com.au/2018/07/australia-now-has-a-giant-penis-that-can-be-seen-from-space/, because of course, that made me think of Jack. I've been wanting to write this for over a year, but it's just refused to cooperate. Now that I have written it...well, I don't know! I've no idea how to feel about it. And yes, I did write myself into that last portion, as that is a real conversation my friend and I had with a stranger when we visited this same creperie a few weeks ago (sadly, the Doctor and Rose weren't there, though)- minus the penis article in the paper. It's an amalgamation of a few things. So....yes. This fic is what resulted. I hope you enjoy it (or at least don't hate it!).

“Absolutely not.”

Rose stuffed another pair of shorts into her bag. “Look, Doctor, it won’t be that bad.”

Dr. James McCrimmon’s eyes bulged. “Not that bad? Are you daft, Rose? You’re telling me you want to take Jack Bloody Harkness to Australia for a _month _and it _won’t be_ _that bad?_ What if he starts gettin’ creative in Australian airspace, or sommat?” He folded his arms and narrowed his eyes. “He’ll start an international incident.”

“Oh, come on,” she wheedled, sticking another pile of tops into the suitcase. “What can he get up to? He won’t have a plane or anything, and it’s not like he’s going to _ steal _ one. Even Jack wouldn’t go _ that _far. ‘Sides, he’s booked a huge tour of the Outback, we won’t even see him after we leave Ayers Rock, not until the last week.”

“Did you really just ask what _ Jack Harkness _ could get up to?” Her husband stared. “In a country full of _ beaches, _no less?”

Rose momentarily paused in her packing. “Well yeah, but he’ll be in the Outback for most of it and... and we’ll just warn him to be on his best behaviour.”

He cynically lifted an eyebrow and Rose flushed.

“Alright, even I know that was, but….” she sighed. “Come on, Doctor, you know what he’s been like lately. He’s been moping about since that Goddard bitch dumped ‘im.” She looked at him, unable to hide her worry. “He hasn’t made a single dodgy comment. He hasn’t smiled. Nana’s taken him two pies and he hasn’t touched either one. He barely opens the door. I think she said something to him, something bad, I dunno what but he’s...he’s really hurtin’.”

The Doctor sighed. “You may be right. Asked him to come out to the pub the other night and he wouldn’t come. Even told him I’d go to that overcrowded bar he likes so much, and he wasn’t having a bar of it. Doubt if he’s left his flat at all, except to go work.”

Rose sighed. “I don’t think he has, an’ Wilson told me he’s just started his month’s leave- you know, he was supposed to go with her to…..well someplace starting with S, wherever it was.” She turned pleading eyes on her husband. “I think she really hurt him, an’ I just… I don’t want him moping about by himself. This trip is the first time he’s even seemed a bit excited about anythin’ since it happened.”

Sighing heavily, the Doctor sat down. “Yeah, I know. He’s been quiet. Imagine that, Harkness, quiet! It’s a world gone mad.”

“So?” Rose pressed, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“So.” The Doctor exhaled. “Alright, he can come. But I’m warnin’ you now, if he so much as paints one knob on a rock in some prehistoric cave, I’m leavin’ him there.”

“I’ll make him behave,” Rose promised, dropping a quick kiss on his lips. “Promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” he grunted, pressing his forehead against hers for a moment before pulling back. “Bigger and meaner people have tried and failed. Even Winifred Bambera couldn’t keep him in line half the time, and no sane man, woman or child would ever cross _ her.”_

Sighing, he turned to pack, grumbling to himself all the while.

Rose, seeing that he was somewhat deflated made sure he saw her pull out the new, VERY itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny bikini she’d bought especially for the trip. 

As she’d expected, it caught his attention immediately.

“That….that looks new,” the Doctor said, his voice slightly hoarse. “Don’t remember seein’ that one before.”

“It is,” she smirked. “Bought it yesterday, just for our trip. Only ‘s a bit….well, _ revealing _ you know, to wear in public- much smaller than my other bikinis. Thought I might return it…..or maybe I might just wear it when we’re alone, lounging by our private pool on Hamilton Island.”

_ “A bit revealing?” _ The Doctor gave a choked laugh. “Funny way you have of describing a few postage stamps and a bit of string.”

Rose prowled a bit closer, holding the bikini up against her curves. “You’re right. Maybe I should try it on here and now, while we’re at home and private. You know, just to make sure.”

The Doctor’s eyes burned. “Maybe you should.”

“Maybe I will,” she purred, edging closer, pausing a hair’s breadth away from his mouth. “Need a hand, though. Help a girl out, Dr. McCrimmon?”

“Love to, Mrs. McCrimmon,” he growled, lips crashing to hers.

And he did.

Much, much later, Rose sighed contentedly into his chest. “I take it that’s a yes to the bikini then.”

“Definitely,” he mumbled, his face buried in her hair. “Long as that one is just for me.”

Rose smirked. “Fantastic.”

+++++++++

_ Uluru-Kata Tjuta National Park, Northern Territory, Australia _

“You sure you’ll be alright, Jack?” Rose asked worriedly, tilting her hat against the harsh sunlight.

“I’ll be fine, Rosie.” 

“But-”

“Honestly, I’m ok,” he broke in, slipping an arm about her shoulders. “You know, I’m kinda glad you dragged me on this trip- the scenery is amazing and I needed to get away for a while. Just what the Doctor ordered.”

“It is pretty gorgeous.”

“Not as gorgeous as you,” he smirked.

“Ha,” she huffed, secretly thrilled to see him flirting again. “You sound you like you’re on the mend.”

“Yeah, guess I am. Thanks for letting me crash your trip, Rosie ” he smiled, looking back at the sigh of Ayers rock, or Uluru, as it was properly known, almost shimmering in the sunlight.

“Anytime,” she said, relaxing at the sight of his smile. “You know that.”

“Ah, if only that were true,” he sighed dramatically. “You know how I pine for you, my love-flower.”

Rose groaned, pulling her sweat-sodden hair off the back of her neck and fanning herself. “Now I _ know _ you’re ok, since you’re back to that again.”

“Back to what?” her husband asked as he loped easily up to them, handing her yet another water bottle. The heat was scorching and she’d polished off three already. “And what’s Harkness hanging off you for? Five minutes I leave you and he’s practically draped over you- I ask you!”

Rose rolled her eyes, knowing James was just as relieved as she was that Jack’s flirty nature had started to resurface. He’d been quiet most of the way over, but during the last couple of days he’d been more like his old self and Rose thought he might be coming out of the funk he’d been in. She felt a lot more comfortable leaving him to his own devices now.

“I was just reminding Rosie of my undying devotion, Doc.” Jack broke into her thoughts.

“Hmph, just you keep your paws off m’wife, thanks very much,” the Doctor grumbled, pushing Jack’s arm off her and draping his own arm around her waist.

Rose rolled her eyes. 

Jack smirked. “Well, I am ALL about equal opportunity, so if you insist- c’mere, you!”

And with that, the Doctor was pulled suddenly off her and unceremoniously into Jack’s waiting arms.

“Oi! What in the bloody hell d’you think you’re doin’?” The Doctor demanded indignantly, shoving at Jack as the latter tried to kiss him.

“Come on, Doc, just one itty bitty kiss!”

“Have you gone _ barkin’ _ Harkness?” he sputtered, shoving madly. “Get your bloody hands off me.” Finally managing to free himself, he stalked over to Rose and stood, arms folded. “Just what d’you you think you’re playin’ at, pawin’ at me like that and in front of Rose too!”

“She’s welcome to join,” Jack protested and had the audacity to smirk at the Doctor’s answering growl.

Rose rolled her eyes again and took the Doctor’s arm. “_Anyway,” _she said pointedly, “Jack was just tellin’ me he was ready to join his tour group and that he’s good to go.”

The Doctor narrowed his eyes, his temporary irritation forgotten. “You be alright then?” He asked pointedly.

“Yeah,” Jack smiled. “I’ll be alright. I’ll miss you both terribly and especially at night,” he smirked at the Doctor’s growl- “but I’ll be OK. I need the time to get out of my head,” he said more quietly. “The wide open spaces, getting away from the city….I need this right now.”

“Well, alright then,” the Doctor said gruffly. “S’pose that’s that. Mind you don’t go scawlin’ giant knobs in the sky or in some prehistoric cave or sommat- don’t want to get a call sayin’ you’ve desecrated a sacred site and been arrested.”

“I wouldn’t!” Jack said indignantly. “I’d never desecrate a sacred site.”

“Mind you don’t! Well, our bus is waitin’ to take us to the airport, so we’d best be off.” The Doctor cleared his throat. “We’ll see you in a few weeks, Harkness, and keep out of trouble!” 

Rose rolled her eyes and stepped in to hug Jack. “Take it easy, yeah? Have fun and call us if you need anythin’.”

“Thanks Rosie,” he said, squeezing her tightly. “Take care and I’ll see you in Sydney soon.”

“And keep out of trouble!” The Doctor added before they turned away.

“He will,” Rose said, hoping, rather than believing, it would be true.

“Chance’d be a fine thing,” the Doctor muttered.

++++++++++++++++

_ Four Frogs Creperie Circular Quay, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia _

“Hmmmm, I dunno,” Rose said, looking at the menu. “The ham and Swiss cheese galette looks amazin’ but I’m really wantin’ a Nutella crepe too. S’pose I could get both, if we share.”

“S’pose,” the Doctor muttered, head buried in the newspaper. “Honestly, I don’t know how anyone in this country goes swimmin’- this shark’s bitten this bloke’s leg clean off! He’s lucky to be alive.”

Rose shook her head. “He wasn’t swimmin- he was surfin’. Outside the shark nets. No thanks. I’ll just stick to the nice little beaches behind the shark nets.”

“I’ll say,” the Doctor muttered. “Barmy, if you ask me.”

“Meanwhile, I still dunno what to do about this crepe,” Rose said, torn between the two tasty looking options.

“Thought you’d decided to get both,” he said absently, turning a page. “Look at this! Even here you can’t get away from bloody Brexit. Honestly.” He shook his head in disgust. “That’s just ruined my appetite, that has.”

“What if we shared the galette and I ate the Nutella by myself?” she wondered. “Nah, that’d probably be too much. Argh, honestly, I can’t choose! ‘Scuse me,” she said to the young woman at the table next to them. “I hope you don’t mind my botherin’ you, but I can’t make up my mind between the ham and cheese galette and the nutella crepe. Have you been here before? Which do you recommend?”

The young woman laughed, pushing her dark hair out of her face. “My dilemma every time I come here.”

Rose blinked. “You’re English?”

The woman’s friend laughed. “Nope, not that anyone believes her! Everybody says that.”

“Sorry,” Rose cringed with embarrassment. “‘S just, you sound really English.”

“It’s alright, I get that all the time,” the young woman shrugged. “Doesn’t worry me. Now, the question is, do you feel like something sweet or something savoury? They’re pretty filling, so I’d personally stick to the one, unless you’re sharing with your friend there?”

“Oh, my husband and I are sharing,” Rose said. “Sorry, this is my husband James, and I’m Rose. James, this is…..”

“Michaela,” the young woman said easily. “And this is my friend Maria.”

“Nice to meet you,” the Doctor said, looking up from his paper momentarily.

“Likewise.” Michaela frowned for a moment. “You know, you remind me of someone….but I can’t think who.”

“Poor bugger if he has a face like this,” the Doctor snorted and Rose rolled her eyes and kicked him under the table. She didn’t like _ anyone _insulting the face she loved- not even him.

“Right, reckon we’ll get both of those crepes and share.”

“Make sure you get the fruit on the side with the Nutella crepe,” Michaela warned. “Unless you don’t mind people _ polluting _your Nutella with fruit. They practically cover it in fruit.”

Maria rolled her eyes. “It wasn’t that bad.”

Michaela narrowed her eyes. “Only if you’re a heathen who doesn’t mind Nutella with her fruit instead of the other way around. I, however, do.”

Maria rolled her eyes and turned to Rose. “You’ll have to excuse her- she’s a Nutella addict.”

“Devotee,” Michaela corrected haughtily. “Nutella _ devotee._”

“Noted,” Rose said in amusement. “Fruit on the side it is.” Calling over the _ very _ French waiter, she placed their order, along with some coffee, and chatted with the two young women whilst the Doctor leafed through the paper. Their food arrived in good time and it was all quite pleasant until the Doctor turned a page in the paper and suddenly spat out his coffee.

“Harkness! Bloody Harkness!”

“What?” Rose leaned over the paper, searching frantically. “What’s he done?”

Before the Doctor could respond, however, Michaela spat out her coffee and collapsed in fits of laughter, pointing at a certain headline.

** _Australia Now has a Giant Penis that Can Be Seen From Space._ **

“I can’t believe he’s done it again,” Rose groaned. “He promised!”

“He’s done this before?” Maria asked interestedly. 

Rose sighed. “Ever happen to see a story about the British Air Force and a giant knob in the sky, a couple of years ago?”

As the two young women choked with laughter, Rose chanced a glance at her husband and cringed. There was no way he’d ever let Jack live this one down.

It was visible from space, after all.

++++++++++++++

_ Later that day, at the Intercontinental Hotel, the Rocks, Sydney _

“What the bloody hell were you thinkin’?” the Doctor demanded. 

“Well, hello, to you too, Doc,” Jack huffed. “I had an awesome trip, thanks for asking.”

“You also desecrated a dry riverbed with a giant knob that’s visible from space!” the Doctor growled. “What in the great black vacuum of space were you _ thinkin’, _Harkness?”

“You promised, Jack,” Rose sighed. “Before we left. And when we arrived. You promised.”

“What? You said no airspace violations (as if I would!), no love serpents in the sky and no desecrating sacred sites! I didn’t do any of that!”

Rose buried her face in her hands. “I need a drink.”

““It’s just a dried up old riverbed in Geelong,” Jack protested. “Nothing major.”

“And what possessed you to draw a giant knob and balls in a dry riverbed in Geelong?” the Doctor asked, rolling his eyes. “Felt like adding to the local colour? Thought you’d nip off the bus, have a pint at the local and leave them some graffiti to cause an international incident?”

“Well, you’re half right. We did have a few beers at some point-”

“There’s a shocker,” the Doctor muttered.

“- but the art was an idea I had before that, and everyone loved it!”

The Doctor’s eyebrows shot up. “‘Scuse me?”

“You heard me! They loved it! We all pitched in and it was done in no time.”

The Doctor groaned. “You mean you got other people involved in this criminal jaunt of yours?”

“It wasn’t criminal!” Jack defended vehemently. “It was a bonding experience! We had people from all over the world on that bus and they all helped! It was like a mini-UN!”

“‘Except the UN doesn’t go around defacin’ other people’s countries with giant penises,” Rose pointed out. “And offendin’ the local population with said penis that is apparently visible from _ space _.”

“I know,” Jack smirked. “I’m so proud of our little group. And we didn’t offend anybody! Some local farmers saw it and thought it was hilarious, and we all bonded over it, and really, it was a great act of diplomacy and international relations!”

Both Rose and the Doctor stared at him.

“Come again?” the Doctor said.

“You heard me! This gorgeous art brought us all together, so don’t you go dissing my Doodle of Diplomacy!”

_ Fin _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come follow me at countessselena.tumblr.com


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